The Hardest Part

Many people who are familiar with LDS return missionaries are aware that when a missionary comes home, there is an adjustment that needs to be made and that it is rarely easy. For every missionary, there is a different adjustment phase. Here's my transitioning.

When I first came home, I - like many RMs - was on fire. I wanted to go and do things with meaning. I couldn't stand sitting around being idle. "Hanging out" was kind of seen as a form of cruel and unusual punishment. And you know what? It still kind of is. I have a hard time going places knowing that the purpose is to "hang out". So, no. I will not go to the dances, where I feel like my ears are going to implode with music I still haven't listened to even though I've been home for almost 3 months.

Not having a companion is surprisingly hard for me. Not that I particularly enjoyed the whole "sight and sound" thing, but I miss the constant support that my companions were on my mission. I often feel lost and when I have a problem, question, or just need someone to listen to an idea I don't know where to go. This is typically when I start to shut down socially and retreat into myself. I was blessed with very loving, patient and caring companions who not only listened to what was weighing me down, but forced it out of me. On a mission you have the time for that. I haven't found that time since being home, yet.

Maybe I'm just blaming all the build up of stress on adjusting. Maybe I'm just really tired of being tired. I thought I wasn't supposed to be so tired after being released? Maybe I feel like I'm going to go completely crazy if I don't tell someone what the heck is going on in my head. Maybe I really really really want to go out to the west so I can visit my friends from the mission that I love and miss so stinking much. Maybe I'm just really impatient. Maybe I just need someone to sit down and say "yeah. I'll listen to you. You're important to me." Maybe I'm just tired of being the one who reaches out.

The hardest part about being home has not been a lack of feeling the Spirit, feeling like I learned all these beautiful teaching skills for nothing or feeling like I no longer have a purpose. The hardest part for me is feeling completely and utterly alone in social life. I never thought this would be such a hard thing for me. I guess I learned the importance of socializing on my mission, now I just have to adapt that learning from "Hi, I'm Sister Davis" to "Hi, I'm Arletta"