Brain Vomit at Two in the Morning

Lying on my couch, knees against my chest.

Paper strewn across, inspiration gone.

The clock is ticking, each second so fast.

Thoughts are passing as loneliness past.

The pain in my back doubles as I move.

I give in to temptations as I dream, what could I lose?

Loving one I only can in my sleep. I turn to it oft and dream in my wake.

“This is wrong,” I tell myself, but head is stubborn and knows not how to listen.

“Go back to sleep,” it says coercively. “You’re happy there.”

I fight the yawns and heavy eyelids. “But I can be happy awake. Give it a chance.”

“We tried that, remember? Neither of us were okay after that.”

“That was a long time ago.”

“And the world has only gotten worse.”

“Oh, my dear friend. Is that what you think?”

“You thought it too, once.”

“I once lived with my eyes closed, yes, but I can no longer afford to blindly stumble.”

“You are implying that I am blind, but my eyes have never been more open.”

“Your eyes are only focused on the pain of the past.”

“And you are naively looking to a happy future! How could you forget? How could you put yourself in a position where we will both be trampled, abused, beaten and spat upon? Did you forget? Did you forget what he did? I didn’t! I remember him. I remember his name, his face, his malice. There are others just like him. I am protecting you from them.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks as my heart gave way.

“I haven’t forgotten. I’ve only forgiven.” I breathed deeper as I realized it was true. It was finally true. “We both have been trapped in the pain of a battered eight year old. He is long gone from us now. Let him stay that way and move on. We cannot punish the rest of mankind for the crimes of one.”

“We will get hurt.”

“Yes, yes we will.”

“Why are you okay with that?”

“Because I know that pain is not permanent.”

“How do you know that?”

“Have we ever had a cut that would not heal if allowed to? If my body can heal, so can my heart.”

“Are you certain?”

“No, but there is only one way to find out the truth.” I whispered as my body gave in to its weariness, but my heart and mind were determined: I will trust in love again.

Even though it will hurt.

Why I Hate Video News

In preparation for leaving Orlando, I've started the dreadful and ridiculous task that is packing. So, in order to make the job a little more manageable, I opened Pandora. Now I'm taking a break (you know, clearly not packing) and I'll go to a website with news and find a headline that is interesting and click on it.

But guess what.

It's a video clip.

I don't want to watch a video to find out my news! Let me read it so I can just get the information I want and I don't have to stop listening to Pandora.

I know.

First world problems.

... And back to packing I go.

Dear Orlando,

I have less than a month left in Orlando. It's so weird. I'm dreading tomorrow when I'm going to have to go and get packing boxes, so I can pack in the little spare time I have after school and church.

I'm dreading all the good-byes I'm going to have to say and the tears that will inevitably come.

I remember right before I moved down here. One of my friends practically accused me of "running away" I'm still not sure what from. I wasn't running away from anything. Orlando was where I needed to be these past two years. That fact is undeniable. I have learned so much more out here than I could have ever learned back home. Two years ago I didn't know what I was going to learn or do, but I knew that was wasn't going to happen in Tallahassee.

So, let me tell you some of the things I learned.

I learned who Arletta is.
I have quirks, I have desires, I have strengths, I have weaknesses. I never really understood what these were until I had to face myself by myself.

I learned how to be a better friend.
I'm young and inexperienced in this field. I honestly can say that I never grasped what a friend was until I was 18. Then, a year later, I was able to use those examples around me and build up friendships that I want to last forever. I do have Tallahassee to thank for providing me the opportunity to meet those few friends who accepted and befriended me, but here I did that for others.

I learned that there are some people who want to hurt you.
Yep. I've been hurt. Mostly by people I was close to. One of my friends just stopped talking to me. I to this day do not know what I did for him to decide that I deserved such treatment. He was even hostile towards my friends. It was (maybe IS) one of the most confusing moments of my life.

I have learned that there are some people outside of family that will love me unconditionally.
You people are what make the hard times worth it. You know who you are.

I have learned that I am a coward.
I am terrified of getting hurt - not physically, but emotionally. I don't want people to expect great things of me because I'm afraid of letting them down. I'm scared to admit that I love someone to myself or to others. I let my fears stop me from doing things a better person would do. I am not that person.

I learned that I had grudges that I needed to let go.
This is actually something that I've learned in only the last year. I was hurt. I was for a long time. So long that I no longer realized that I was holding on to the pain and just started working around it. It was like having my right arm broken, so instead of getting it fixed, I just learned to do everything with my left, even the things that required two hands. By time I realized that I needed to let this pain go the broken parts had already healed incorrectly and needed to be broken again and then set straight. That hurt, too. I was emotionally raw for quite some time. I'm still healing, actually.

I have learned what my relationship with God is.
I know that some of you don't even believe that he exists. I'm okay with that. Just let me believe what I believe. There is no point in attacking another's beliefs or lack of unless they are actually causing harm to others. Attacking your neighbor will get you nowhere and will only leave your neighbor hurt. They will start to trust you less and unless you're really lucky or they're really smart, they might even seek revenge.

I know I have learned many more things, but I think that is all I want to explain for the night.