Brain Vomit at Two in the Morning

Lying on my couch, knees against my chest.

Paper strewn across, inspiration gone.

The clock is ticking, each second so fast.

Thoughts are passing as loneliness past.

The pain in my back doubles as I move.

I give in to temptations as I dream, what could I lose?

Loving one I only can in my sleep. I turn to it oft and dream in my wake.

“This is wrong,” I tell myself, but head is stubborn and knows not how to listen.

“Go back to sleep,” it says coercively. “You’re happy there.”

I fight the yawns and heavy eyelids. “But I can be happy awake. Give it a chance.”

“We tried that, remember? Neither of us were okay after that.”

“That was a long time ago.”

“And the world has only gotten worse.”

“Oh, my dear friend. Is that what you think?”

“You thought it too, once.”

“I once lived with my eyes closed, yes, but I can no longer afford to blindly stumble.”

“You are implying that I am blind, but my eyes have never been more open.”

“Your eyes are only focused on the pain of the past.”

“And you are naively looking to a happy future! How could you forget? How could you put yourself in a position where we will both be trampled, abused, beaten and spat upon? Did you forget? Did you forget what he did? I didn’t! I remember him. I remember his name, his face, his malice. There are others just like him. I am protecting you from them.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks as my heart gave way.

“I haven’t forgotten. I’ve only forgiven.” I breathed deeper as I realized it was true. It was finally true. “We both have been trapped in the pain of a battered eight year old. He is long gone from us now. Let him stay that way and move on. We cannot punish the rest of mankind for the crimes of one.”

“We will get hurt.”

“Yes, yes we will.”

“Why are you okay with that?”

“Because I know that pain is not permanent.”

“How do you know that?”

“Have we ever had a cut that would not heal if allowed to? If my body can heal, so can my heart.”

“Are you certain?”

“No, but there is only one way to find out the truth.” I whispered as my body gave in to its weariness, but my heart and mind were determined: I will trust in love again.

Even though it will hurt.